The girls really loved the experience. I did my best to put on the happy face and listen to them recite the bible verses and rhetoric that they were taught this week, but it was a conversation with one of the volunteers today that set me back a little bit.
I was the first parent to pick up a 3rd grade child - Jordan. When she learned who I was there to retrieve, she asked to speak with me a moment. Of course, having had numerous conversations with the school staff, I was prepared to learn about whatever shenanigans Jordan got herself into this week. Instead, I was shocked and speechless by the conversation.
The woman informed me that it was a "pleasure" to have Jordan with them all this week. She said she did not envy my job of raising her - she "is definitely high-spirited and opinionated." Then the woman asked me if my husband did, truly, have brain cancer. I answered that he does, and asked why she was asking. The woman replied,
"Jordan told us all, matter-of-factly, that her daddy has brain cancer. We adults expressed how sad this must be for her and your family, but Jordan is apparently a very old soul. She just looked at us, shrugged her shoulders and said, 'When he dies, we will be sad, but we will be OK. We are better for having known him.'"
I stood there, in the middle of this church worship hall with children screaming and running around and parents trying to corral their children, and just stared at this woman. I couldn't process what I had been told.
I have always known that Jordan had a way of looking at the world that is beyond her young years, and sometimes is scares the crap out of me. This woman took my hand, promised that she and her pastor and everyone else she was going to tell about this would keep our family in prayer for Ken so he can be around for a while, but she finished by saying that she is certain that she has never encountered a child as advanced as Jordan, and she wished me luck in raising a child who was that perceptive and logical.
After signing out Taylor & Mandy from the Middle School program, I got the girls home and they went back on their Summer Break Schedule. Ken was busy down the hill after his VA appointment with Dr. Big Head, and he stopped to purchase a shotgun that he really wanted. I shared the woman's conversation with him, and he was as stunned as I was.
Jordan never really needed to talk about Ken's cancer. She has always understood what "death" means and the finality of it to us left behind. I tried to get her counseling after Ken's diagnosis and again after his treatment started, but I was told that she didn't really need it. Much like how she dealt with the bullshit her biological father put her through when she was younger, she just somehow dealt with it all by herself, and compartmentalized everything to where she is functioning and healthy about it all. Hearing from a total stranger how she speaks about things really put things into perspective for me. I have always handled my grief by remembering that no matter how little time I have with Ken, we are all better people for having known him and having had him in our lives. I never voiced that with Jordan because she was so young, but apparently, she came to the same conclusion all on her own.
The idea of going to church on Sundays with the girls makes me physically ill, but I know it will need to be something that is done for them. There is a lot of teaching that they need and my jaded experiences is NOT something to share with them at this stage. I have been given a LOT to think about from a simple conversation.
Leave it to Jordan.
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