My girls' humor

This is the sign that sums it up pretty well.  Over the last couple of weeks, we have had some interesting conversations with the girls, and I have loved watching them try to act like little grown-ups, and other times, I (internally) giggle with total glee at their successes.  Then, I have been utterly shocked by what they have done and said and wondered, "What did I start?"

I have been writing these little tidbits down and storing them up for one post since it's more fun to keep everything as centrally located as possible.

* While walking the girls to school one day, Jordan starts talking to me, "You know what? You're our mom. You're supposed to love and encourage us and support our dreams; not CRUSH them!"  

What the hell??  HAHAHAHA!  I reminded her and the other two that I do love them, and I will encourage and support any dream that they have so long as it doesn't interfere or conflict with my ideas, dreams or lifestyle.  Jordan asked what that meant, so I told her, "You can do anything you want so long as you don't try to take me on."  Jordan's response, "Oh! OK, that's fair!"  Even better!!  

* Over supper last week, Mandy shared a story of an incident between her and Taylor in which she quietly became the victor:

Apparently, Taylor was talking to her crush during recess (nope, I can't remember the boy's name). Mandy said, "I saw that she was talking to him and smiling and being all dopey cuz she likes him and everything, so I walked over to them and stood next to her.  Then, I let out a very quiet but deadly fart and walked away. You should have seen them, Mom! They were both dying and trying to pretend that they didn't smell it, but you KNOW that he thinks it was her!" Then, Mandy put out her fist to Ken for a fist bump, which he happily gave her, with the added statement of, "Way to go, Mandy!"

Taylor was mortified!! She and Mandy began arguing at the table, and all I can say, is THANK YOU for the Happy Pills. I was able to endure their crap during supper, and in all honesty, it is REALLY funny! Their eldest brother, Sean, was here, and when he heard the story, he started laughing uncontrollably and mentioned, "Oh my God! Mandy is already cock-blocking!"  Very succinct way of putting it!

* Ken sent me a text message while he was walking the girls to the bus stop last week which stated, "Taylor just informed me that her Nalgene bottle smells like cock."  Um, what??? I thought he was kidding me, but he said that this is what she said just out of the blue.

That night, again at the dining table over supper, I asked her what the hell and why she would say something like that. Taylor was embarrassed (Um, good thing!), and said that she was just trying to be funny, you know, like how she hears me talking and everything....I just sat there and asked her how the HELL she would know what cock smells like!  Taylor said she didn't know, she was just trying to be funny.

Well, I can't let this go (I do NOT know where my girls get that from, by the way), so I ask her, "And what do you think cock smells like??"

Taylor, "Well, I guess like vagina?!"

Me, "So, you don't know what cock smells like, but you know what vagina smells like?" 

Taylor (clearly uncomfortable and realizing that she is losing this one), "Um, well, I don't know about any of it. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY!"

There is no control left at my table, and Ken is snorting all over the place, Mandy is doubled over laughing with tears running down her face, and Jordan is doing the laughing and slapping of her knee - which is what she does when she knows we're all laughing at something funny and she wants to laugh but doesn't understand what's going on.

I grabbed Taylor and gave her a hug, and then I asked her to PLEASE! not talk like this in public.

* As yesterday was Taylor's 13th birthday, she is really moving quickly into that awkward phase where she wants to be an adult but she doesn't have the skills required.  

We were going through Target to check into the things that she wanted to purchase, and then there were some things that I needed to get.  I went down the "feminine aisle" because I needed panty liners. I didn't think this was a major thing, but Taylor took it to that level.  

Loudly, she exclaims, "Mom! You don't need this stuff anymore! What are you doing?!"

I turned around to look at her and said, "Taylor, you don't need to yell. What are you talking about?"

Taylor, still yelling because she's just so enjoying being 13 and out shopping, "Mom! You had surgery and don't even GET periods anymore! Why would these be useful?!"

Let me just point out that we now have a few people in the aisle who are clearly listening to this exchange.  So, what the hell - let Taylor learn and the others have the entertainment.

So, I finish, "Taylor, yes, like I explained, I had a hysterectomy which means I thankfully do not have my period anymore.  However, when the doctor took out my uterus, he also took out my cervix and closed off the opening at the end of my vagina meaning that when Dad and I have sex, his stuff goes everywhere.  These pantyliners allow me to stay clean and fresh throughout the day, and as you will notice, I use them a LOT!"

I then left that aisle and walked to the next one where I was looking for hand soap, and I left Taylor standing there in the aisle gagging and making vomit noises with total teenage drama at the idea of Mom and Dad having sex.  One lady, who was lingering to listen actually came over to me and said that she loved that exchange and she wished she had been more like that with her own daughter.  At least she was honest about eavesdropping.




So, these are just a few of the conversations that happen in this house. Not only have I posted them here for your enjoyment, but please remember that I print out this blog every year for the children to read through later. These stories will come back to haunt them.  (Yes, I am grinning evily.)